What’s Your Biggest Regret?

Someone asked me recently what they should do about the romantic feelings they have for someone who is not their significant other. Both the person who asked and the person they have feelings for are in committed relationships—not married—but committed.

This person is carrying around immense shame and guilt. They haven’t done anything to feel ashamed or guilty about—they haven’t cheated—but their emotional brain is telling them that merely having these feelings means they’re a bad person.

As I listened to his conflict, I thought about myself twenty-five years ago, when I was in a similar situation. I had a close guy friend, who we’ll call Mark. We did everything together. Went to school. Studied. Ate. Drank. Listened to music. Over the course of three years our feelings of familiar friendship morphed into a passionate electricity that drew our hands to touch a few seconds longer than appropriate. At the time, we were both in committed relationships—not married—but committed.

When our feelings overflowed one drunken night, we decided we had no choice but to break up with our significant others.

And we did.

He did without hesitation or regret.

I was a little more hesitant. Sam, the guy I was with, offered me a sense of safety that felt comfortable for where I was emotionally. Coming from a dysfunctional, violent home, I craved normalcy, a kind family, and a sense of security that permitted me to stay emotionally closed off from the world.

And so I went back to Sam and married him. I stayed in my safe, passionless cocoon as I watched Mark fall in love with someone else and get married.

A year later, I asked Mark to lunch. I told him that I still loved him. He kindly told me that it was too late. That we’d both made other choices. I knew he was right, but regret flooded through me.

What if I’d told him sooner?

I’m happily married now and have loved my husband David passionately for nearly twenty years. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Nor could I imagine being married to Mark.

But here’s the deal…

The feelings I had for Mark were a flashing warning sign that Sam was not the guy for me. That there was something missing in my relationship with Sam, something I wanted, yes, but even more so, something I needed.

In these moments of emotional confusion and uncomfortable indecision, you must lean in and investigate your feelings. Explore them. Journal about them. Write a letter to yourself asking why you feel this way. Trust that your emotions are here to protect you, guide you, and show you what you might be missing out on.

Am I saying that we should act instinctively on our emotions?

No.

Am I saying we should end a relationship or quit a job because we feel like we want something else?

No.

But, I am saying your emotions are a beacon of light that can guide you to being your most authentic self and to finding true happiness. Once your emotions are fully felt and analyzed, you might see exactly what would make your life brighter and more fulfilling.

And what about those feelings of guilt and shame you may feel? That’s your emotional brain trying to keep you “safe.” It’s trying to protect you from getting hurt or rejected. Subconsciously your brain is trying to keep you in a small, safe life.

Don’t let it!

Be bold. Be brave. Be honest. Do some soul searching. Ask yourself the hard questions and then take action.

The only thing we ever really regret is the thing we didn’t do.

With love and light,